fleeting (moments)

I'm returning to the States in 4 days.
I feel like January was yesterday.

I found so much. It's hard to know where to begin.

Bloomington is quite endeared to me after being here. I can't wait to sit in Soma with a mug and a pen and friends.
I want a burrito. and I'm ready to ride a bike.

There are things about [Florence] Italy I'll miss dearly - Casa del Vino. San Miniato. my professors. trains. espresso. the Santa Trinita bridge. so much more.

But, I can't wait to have the people I care about within reach again.

I have not been around in a while so I thought I'd write down a few things from my life these days.

It's only another month until I ship off to Italy.
I've begun the process of moving things home for my sojourn, and it's amazing how much stuff one person can compile.
I turned 21 last week.
I'm absolutely ready for this semester end.
I want to start writing again; it feels like ages since I've put pen to paper creatively.
I have an internship at the Indianapolis Museum of Art next summer. It's free and has a wonderful contemporary collection.
I like dirty martinis a lot.
Long distance is tough, but I love that dude and it's working.
I'll post my blog site on here for those of you who'd like to keep up with me while I'm overseas; it will be where I keep my records instead of ol' LJ.

There are really many times during days that I want to curl up under a blanket and cry.

I don't know why I cry so much.

Or why ordinary things incite my crying.

Or why sometimes things make me cry and other times those same things don't make me cry.

Or why each day, soon after I wake up, I wonder at which point I will cry in that day.

It makes me question what exactly is making me more emotional these days.

I feel good today.

It's bright out.

I got some coffee. I took some photos. I still have a little makeup on from Halloweening last night as Sylvia Plath.

Austin and I went ice skating on Friday. It was cold and fun. We got hot chocolate. We made chili. We watched a spoof zombie movie. It was a satisfying day. However much the distance between us gets to me, I can't imagine my life without him in it. We are pilgrims and pirates and weirdos and nerds. Like most of my friends.

I've been dead to Bloomington for a while; unsure of how to enjoy it without the person I love here.
It's been nothing personal, just a battle with myself to assess who and what really matters to me.

I also feel extremely overwhelmed with all the work that is going into my semester abroad.  I would obviously make it more difficult for myself in all respects by choosing a non-IU program.  I just know it will be worth it not going with the IU-sponsored program.  I hope I get that Hutton Honors College grant.  I also can't handle talking to my parents lately since Italy is the only thing that our conversations revolve around.  It's been hard because I'm still here, I'm still living my life, but having to plan 6 months ahead for them for when I get back.  I'll cherish the day when they can stop needing me to plan things for their security and let me be and talk to me about the things I love and am passionate about besides my education.

Ah, the people we are blessed with as family. I love them thoroughly for who they are and what they want for me.

My last day at Cactus is November 11. I felt a wave of emotion for the first time about that today.  I have made many good friends through that shop. Who knows, maybe I will come back to work after I return from my sojourn.

For these last two months in the States, I want many adventures with many special people. 

so, i am going to italy next semester.

come see me?

my emotions are flowing back and forth on such a continuum right now that i'm not even sure what to feel!

i just gotta trust

cause we are all just people, and we all just want community, and we are real and have old relationships , and they have presence in our lives today, because those were real too and they meant something and that doesn't mean its the same now
it just means that its a friendship
i'm just having a hard time here
i'm working on it
and thats what i'm doing right now
and jesus don't you know how much i want to be comfortable with things
i'm tired of feeling bad bad bad about myself and about others
i think i'm afraid of putting myself in full time, letting all of my inhibitions go
because look, i've been fucking hurt, and its hard for me to trust women sometimes
i know i've told you all this before
but dammit, i mean it.